...Cripples You.
When I think I have gained some control back in my life and I think I'm able to endure the pain, without warning and with great force, I am knocked down and I'm forced to succumb to the torment and heartache of illness.
The darkness can be devastating and I have every right to be angry, but anger doesn't move me forward and doesn't help me win this battle.
I truly believed I had finally gotten a strong hold on life with RA, but I lost my grip and I'm trying to hold on once more. I'm struggling with the fact that it's here to stay and the war is not over.
RA runs you over, but usually after I've been hit I'm able to get back up again. I can start fresh and reshape into the person I think I am or want to be despite the disease. It almost seems like I need to break in order to remind myself that I am human, I can be fixed again and that I am stronger than this entity. I'm repeatedly knocked down and I go down hard. This time, I'm starting to question if I can even get on my knees again.
I need a reset button.
I made up a list of frustrations I have learned to either cope with and/or ignore over the years. Some of these things I'm still trying to overcome and accept. Some days are better than others.
*Dealing with extreme sharp pain on a day to day basis. Similar to having several broken bones, but no casts or visible proof of the disease.
*Not feeling in control over the disease and it's progression.
*Not knowing how I'm going to feel tomorrow, in an hour or 10 minutes.
*Nausea and heartburn.
*Fevers.
*Body aches and chills.
*Overwhelming fatigue and being in a daze all day.
*Memory loss.
*Lack of concentration.
*The "I can't-s".
*The "I can't, but I will" turning into "I shouldn't have because I'm really paying for this".
*The uncertainty of what the future holds.
*Fear of the fight and the darkness that comes along.
*Fear of early death.
*Overwhelmed with medical procedures, tests and information.
*Feeling separated, misunderstood and alone.
*Trying to communicate with others and often times being
dismissed.
dismissed.
*Keeping thoughts and emotions inside.
*Hiding pain.
*Feeling defeated and exhausted.
*Feeling let down by my body.
*Feeling let down by medical professionals.
*Feelings of guilt and helplessness.
*Feeling weak and broken.
*Insensitive, ignorant, arrogant comments.
*Judgement.
*Harsh side effects from medications.
*Insomnia.
*Having to cancel plans and letting people down often.
*Depression.
*People thinking this disease is in my head or is my fault.
*Ignorance. This is on here twice.
*People saying how strong I am and then not taking me seriously or belittling me for whatever reason.
*People assuming I'm cured because I'm happy or smiling.
*People thinking I'm cured because I'm out running an errand or trying to be social. *Every mundane thing is exhausting and I end up paying for it.
*Feeling like I have to prove how sick I am.
*Humiliation.
**Medical advice from people that haven't been to medical school.
The pain is wearying on me, but I know that giving up is not an option. I won't give up no matter how hard it hits and no matter how many doctors tell me there's nothing they can do.
Hope, even just the slightest sparkle of light, is what keeps me going.
